An Ectopic Pregnancy is a life threatening condition that affects 1 in 80 pregnancies. I have had one.
These are the medical facts, that when you go the Doctors are coded in your medical record, or when you go to the Hospital and as a female are often asked how many pregnancies you have had.
My heart, brain and the Mother in me, tell it to me differently. I have lost three babies. Three very much wanted babies. Babies that from the moment I found out where there, that I had names for, babies that I could not wait to see the scan pictures for, to share the good news with family and friends. Babies that whether they were a little girl or a little boy would have had an Everton kit bought for them. Babies that from the moment I found out about you, lived in my heart and that I had hopes and dreams for. Those babies are still in my heart and will forever have a place. What anybody who has been through this will tell you, is that that you never loose your Maternal instinct. It is not something that you can turn on and off like a switch. It is what it is and you learn to cope.
I am not alone in my losses. For pregnancy loss does not just affect one person, it affects the other person involved in that pregnancy too. The Husbands, Boyfriends, Partners, it affects them just as much too. Although for them, they often get forgot about. Which is sad because pregnancy loss is a bereavement just like any other loss. Please don't forget them in this they hurt just as much as the female does.
People find pregnancy loss a very difficult thing to talk about. It is thought of as a "taboo" subject and I truly believe that any words shared are not meant to hurt or make the recipient feel bad, but people are often cumbersome in their words, not knowing the right thing to say, and in some cases their words just bring hurt, anger and frustration in some cases even shame. The Miscarriage Association started a campaign in August of this year focusing on this called "Simply Say" which focuses on this. As with anything in life, it's quite simple, be kind, show compassion. Sometimes, the easiest way is the best way, saying "I'm sorry". I could share some of the stupid, insensitive things I have had said to me, but as I said, I honestly believe people had the best intentions. That is why I am glad for campaigns like this as they raise awareness and make people think twice.
I will always write this blog from heart and I can truly say that going through these losses was hard, it hurt and whilst I often think I am "ok", I can cope with this now, sometimes something will happen that completely floor you. Totally out of nowhere. For me that was tonight walking Loki and I was thinking of lighting my candle for the "Wave of Light". This is an international event which marks the end of baby loss awareness week, and millions of people light a candle for an hour to remember their losses and it shows their solidarity with bereaved parents all other the world. It helps to know you are not alone.
So tonight you might see lots of candles and photo's on your social media, and this will be why. Be kind and be gentle, it is our way of remembering
I listed below some organisations that may help if you are going through this yourself or if you know somebody who might need their advice. I have ran the Great North Run for the Miscarriage Association and the Great Manchester Run for the Ectopic Pregnancy Trust. It was my way of giving back to them for the help they provided (they get limited funding) and they lobby too, to try and make changes. For example not every hospital offers a Bereavement Service for baby loss. I felt lost and alone when I was diagnosed with Ectopic Pregnancy and got all my advice from their website and helpline. The same when I lost my second baby at three months. The Miscarriage Association were amazing. Now the Women's here in Liverpool have a great support service called the Honeysuckle Team. There was a debate in Parliament this week about this and why there is not equity across the UK. Please if you can give them your support
Sending much love to my friends that I know are feeling sad tonight too - I am thinking of you x
I write this and light my candle tonight for Liam, Erin and Seamus xxx
Organisations that can help:
The Miscarriage Association
The Ectopic Pregnancy Trust
Aching Arms
SANDS
Honeysuckle Team Liverpool Women's
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